Worries of a 30 year old single woman -Hysteria-

30歳独身女性の悩み ーヒステリックー


Video performance


I have something to say. Please listen.


I am a 30-year-old woman. I have boyfriend who is six years younger than me. We have been in a relationship for more than two years. We haven’t yet begun to think about marriage. Since turning 30, I’ve begun to feel more and more pressure to move our relationship forward. Most of my friends are married with kids. It seems like everyday someone posts a photo of their baby on social media. Family and friends pressure me unconsciously.  I feel like I should have a baby.


A friend of mine once asked me why I haven’t gotten married yet. I answered, “I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a while, but he is not ready to marry yet”. She looked at me with pity because I don’t yet have marriage plans despite being 30.


I’m getting sick of being a woman. I used to enjoy being a woman. When I was young and beautiful everybody was kind to me and boys gave me lots of things. Since turning 30, I’ve begun to feel that conceiving a child is true happiness for a woman. Every mom seems happier than me. I’m not married. I don’t have kids. I feel as if I haven’t really achieved anything as a woman.


I have a uterus. Because I’m not pregnant my period comes every month. It comes as it did before, but for some reason these days it makes me sad. Inserting tampons as I’ve always done in the past has become one of the most uncomfortable things for me to do.


My body and my mind are ready to have a baby, but I cannot. My relationship and financial situation are not yet ready. Every night I take my birth control pill I have to swear “I don’t need a baby.”  Some of the most painful words for me to say.


Bleeding every month consumes my energy and saps my strength in the same fashion that running does. There is a Japanese proverb “Flowers bloom only a short time.” I need to keep running since once my womb stops bleeding, I will lose my identity as a woman and die.


There was a women’s group, Chu pi ren, in Japan in the 1970’s. They were trying to spread birth control pills in Japan because at that time, there was a restriction placed on them by the Japanese government. Japanese women couldn’t buy birth control pills easily. The women in the group wore pink helmets with the female gender symbol stamped on them. They led many intense protest marches. Eventually, Chu pi ren was forced to disband due to orders by the Japanese government. However, because of their intense protests, a lot of media outlets broadcast their movement. This eventually ended up triggering other women’s movements in Japan.


Now, in 2016, I want to start my own vesion of Chu pi ren, Chu pi ren 2016. In the 70’s, they wanted to spread birth control pills, but I’d like to stop taking the pill. I want to stop, but I can’t. Until I can figure out how to get off of the pill I still have to keep running.